if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
