I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
