If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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