Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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