I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
