I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
