Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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