how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
