farters have to be the big spoon...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
