Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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