My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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