dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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