This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
