I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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