In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
