i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
