i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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