I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
