Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
