He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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