good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
well most of my day revolves around power hour
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
