yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
