I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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