If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
