i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
