i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
