So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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