i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
