Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Randomize
