Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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