i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You made out with two different species that night
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
