fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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