she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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