You're my little dorito
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
