Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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