I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
