Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
