haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
