I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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