i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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