Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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