We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
