I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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