She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
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