I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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