I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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