there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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