I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
