sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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