Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
he was CRYING into my vagina
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
