My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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