he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
