my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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