I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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