I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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