The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We are two peas in an std pod
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
