there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
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